A fantastic article. One that gets to the heart of what is going on in our society and not just the destruction of family, although that is surely one of the key targets. Those doubting what is going on might take a look at the Frankfurt School and post modernist movements' takeover of the education system, starting at Columbia University in the 1930-1950 period. In the Commonwealth nations, we have the Fabians operating much the same ideological program. End goal is state/corporate totalitarian control (fascism by another name) and to get that they need to replace the family with the all powerful State—digital ids, CBDCs and tokenisation of everything are stages on the path.
Thank you for this. I’ve been estranged from my adult son for ten years and have a granddaughter I will never know. This article resonated deeply with me.
The Frankfurt School? The Frankfurt School destroyed the modern family when the market forces are right there? Turning children into atomized individual consumers whose every desire must be catered to? The Frankfurt School destroyed the moral authority of the church, made children laugh at their parents, trivialized values? more so than 50 years of “have it your way” burger and cereal commercials and “family values” brought to you courtesy of Married With Children culminating in the supremacy of Joe Rogan? Maaaaaan. All I can say is, the urge to find a leftist Jewish conspiracy scapegoat has got to be really powerful for you to pull this one out of your rear end.
You're clearly drawing on themes from the later Frankfurt School—Adorno and Horkheimer’s critique of consumerism and the culture industry—and yes, their analysis of how mass media pacifies the public and corrodes traditional values still holds weight. But the irony is that you’re using their insights to mock the very tradition they came from. What you’re overlooking is that the Frankfurt School’s earlier project explicitly targeted the traditional family as a site of ideological reproduction. In Authority and the Family (1936), Horkheimer argued that the family isn’t just a private haven but a mechanism for instilling obedience and conformity—essential for sustaining both capitalism and authoritarianism. Marcuse and Fromm developed this further, tying the family to psychic repression and social control. This wasn’t just a critique in isolation—it was part of a broader re-engineering of the social sciences, shifting them from descriptive disciplines to normatively charged tools for social transformation. Education, psychology, and sociology were reshaped to view institutions like the family, religion, and moral authority not as foundational but as obstacles to liberation. So when I pointed out that ideological currents within academia sought to reshape the family and undermine inherited values, I'm not grasping at some form of conspiracy (Jewish or not)—I'm describing what was openly theorised, institutionalised and eventually mainstreamed. Reducing that legacy to a scapegoating impulse misses both the intellectual history and the demonstrable institutional effects it produced. You’re half right about consumerism—but you're standing on ground the early Frankfurt School prepared, whether you realise it or not.
The Frankfurt School is not PREscriptive—it DESCRIBES a method of analysis. I’m not *ignoring* the contention that the family is “a site of ideological reproduction” —it’s an underlying assumption because it is obviously and self evidently *true*. Am I missing something?
I’m just finishing my dissertation at Virginia Tech (rhetoric and writing) after a decade teaching full time and completing 2 MAs. I can absolutely confirm that Critical race theorists (Delgado, Bell, Crenshaw), postmodernists, critical pedagogues (Freire), gender theorists, and Marxists took up/cited the Frankfurt school’s critique of capitalist production to critique cultural sites of production (schools, communities, companies, churches, publishers, govt structures, and yes the domestic sphere in the form of the family, etc.) to identify obstacles that prevent liberation. My trans and female peers explicitly state the hetero monogamous family unit is an obstacle to their freedom, it oppresses them and they must liberate children. Humanities are steeped in the Frankfurt paradigm. It’s literally not a conspiracy, to claim so is a red herring and epithet. Ive read so many authors and mainstream scholars in composition studies, rhetoric, and applied linguistics who use Marcuse, Adorno, and others as theoretical foundations and research frameworks. Please consider this experience and adjust your reality to accommodate this new information so you realize when you’re sharing incomplete understanding or misinformation. Howard is 💯 on this.
You’ve shifted from mockery to a kind of strategic concession—acknowledging that the family is a “site of ideological reproduction” but now claiming the Frankfurt School was merely descriptive, not prescriptive. That’s a rhetorical deflection.
Let’s be clear: the Frankfurt School, particularly in its early phase, was not content with analysis for its own sake. Horkheimer, Marcuse, Fromm—they developed Critical Theory precisely as a tool for social transformation. In Authority and the Family (1936), Horkheimer didn’t neutrally observe the family—he argued that the traditional family structure produced authoritarian personalities and reinforced capitalist domination. This critique was foundational to a broader effort to re-engineer the social sciences, which increasingly treated institutions like the family, church, and school as targets for ideological deconstruction.
So when you say the ideological role of the family is “self-evidently true,” what you’re really doing is conceding the premise while downplaying the programme that followed from it—in education, psychology, and culture. That’s not honest engagement; that’s rhetorical containment.
As for the accusation that I’m defending “only ONE desirable organisation of family”—that’s a straw man. No one here claimed the traditional family is the only valid form. The point is that ideological projects—shaped in part by Frankfurt School thinking—have systematically delegitimised it under the banner of liberation, without acknowledging the social fragmentation and atomisation that followed. Raising that concern is not the same as insisting on one model—it’s pointing out the consequences of deliberately unmaking one without offering a stable alternative.
So again: this isn’t about nostalgia or conspiracy. It’s about recognising that ideas have institutional consequences—and pretending that the Frankfurt School’s influence was merely observational is, at best, misinformed, and at worst, evasive.
No, sadly, you are definitely 💯 not alone. I am so sorry for your pain.
The loss of a child who is still alive is devastating. Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself and be good to yourself. Your well-being matters. You matter.
There is a line in the Baghavad Gita where Krishna tells the warrior Arjuna that we are all entitled to our actions but not the “fruits of our actions.” These wise words are a solace to me. My son, who was raised with love, now has this endowment from me of the “fruits of my actions.” So he reaps the benefits of my good care. And I was a good mother.
I believe that his decision to estrange from us shows a deficit of courage, fortitude, strength, and integrity. I have to reckon with the painful probability that all of my determination, protectiveness, worry, joys, laughter, celebration, a hundred decisions and revisions that a moment will undo (T.S. Elliot) — given freely in the hopes of raising a good man who would “pay it forward” — were for naught. Because I know as sure as I’m writing this text right now that someone who could treat/discard me as my son has, is not a good man by any standard I recognize.
But, according to Krishna, I have my actions, as the warrior Arjuna did. I feel good about how I mothered my son. And that is something no one, not even my adult son, can take from me.
Thank you so much. I long to be embraced. My sister many states away is hurting with me and she feels like she is loosing me in the process. I am not the same.
I’m so glad that a therapist wrote an article from a SOCIOLOGICAL perspective. Yes- this is a movement and you are spot on. It’s similar to what we are seeing with politics and social action protesting or promoting DEI , book banning and other ideological driven activities.
In other words, ideology leaves no room for compromise or balance in points of view. So many of today’s parental alienations are not due to parental abuse or child endangerment but from adult children feeling entitled; they cry abuse and mistreatment when met with parental disagreement or difference in perspective and viewpoint. Our world has moved away from middle ground and is becoming polarized as these attitudinal younger generations move into adulthood. Sadly, pain and suffering usually provide the greatest lessons in humility.
That someone loves them and cares for them as they are. Children who are trans and face alienation at home have off the charts suicidal behavior. There’s no amount of “indoctrination” at school to make a child trans. Teachers would indoctrinating kids into doing their homework if this was even possible.
There are also a rising number of suicides from young folks who "transitioned" as teens/young adults, then later were horrified by their decision, a life choice they could not undo.
Even before the incr wokeness in the past few yrs there was at least one book on the subject of serious mental health issues faced by young ppl who transitoned:
"Irreversible Damage" by a pro-trans lesbian author
You’re living in an irrational fantasyland. If god gave me my gender, he didn’t do a good job! Or maybe, if god doesn’t make mistakes, trans people are actually what they say they anre and YOU are the one standing in the way of his will. After all, it’s odd that the gender binary, for supposedly being biological and divine in origin, takes so much enforcement and punishment to maintain…
Indeed, how? Trans people aren’t mistakes. We’re part of God’s plan, obviously. How could you possibly know better than a literal child of god what their gender identity is??? Nobody appointed you to a position of divine authority over others. Get over it.
Wow, i think you need to look up what transitioning is. It's not being given resources and kindness. Not to mention, social media is so far from a reputable source for information
The influence public schools and ideological activist teachers have today can overwhelm the influence of parents, especially when what's going on there is kept secret from them.
If you have kids, surely you wdve noticed you can explain any small thing to your kids & they ignore you, then come home one day all enthusiastic abt the very same idea bc a teacher they like said it?
That happens A LOT, whether the child hears it from a friend, the tv (internet these days) etc. It's very powerful.
(They arent the only ones 😉 eg someone advises their spouse who ignores them, then the spouse hears the same from a friend or respected peer or even online & now they listen!)
Thank you for all your posts and this exceptional article. I have been also asking why the parent-adult child relationship are not expected to be reciprocal. I see so many younger generation amputating relationships, blame and shame lacking maturity, having no clue about boundaries, no accountability and are one way street righteous activists. Maybe we contributed by saving and not letting them experience consequences. Healthy Relationships 101 should also be taught in school. My hope is that people will listen to each other and yes its super uncomfortable to deal with conflict but we can grow from it. Ah the Rich deep love of Grandparents!
No, not everything "should be taught in schools". Relationships should be taught at home. This outsourcing mentality is probably a high contributor to this mess.
As an instructional aide and supervision aide for elementary school for the past 20 years, I can tell you relationships ARE taught at home. Good ones and bad ones. It's bringing those dynamics into a larger community when we find out who is being taught what. Some kids do great one on one with their parents but can't navigate their place with their peers.
The power of social media these days cannot be underestimated. In my case my son was close to us in the 'before', but he struggled to fit in and had a wobbly sense of self. He had plenty of loving support from his whole family, cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents as well. I am sure there are cases where cut offs may be warranted, but there are also vulnerable young people and adults who are living their lives online to the exclusion of real life contact. It's sad and scary. Yes, it is his choice to live on the edge but he is loved and missed by all of us.
Colleges teach critical thinking skills? Really? Because I helped put five children through college recently and that is not my impression.
Children are being taught that governments are the true authority figures. I can cite dozens of examples but I sense you aren’t ready to confront this truth.
If you’re truly interested in growth, start your research with Sweden. The government there was highly successful in teaching young people that family systems are unnatural and inconvenient. It has been widely cited and written about and is not what you’d call a “conspiracy theory.”
Depends on where the child’s primary attachment lies. If the parents abandon their children to peer care from an early age for 5/7 of their waking hours then yeah, the kids are going to follow their peers.
"If estranged parents spent half as much time working on themselves as they do feeling sorry for themselves, they might have relationships with their kids."
I do think you are missing some pieces of the problem. Many loving and caring 'good enough' parents are being cut off by their children. I don't think we, here, are talking about those who were getting their own needs met through their children. It truly isn't true that if you were a good enough parent your kids won't cut you off.
True estrangement is incredibly rare as it goes against every biological need. The people I know who are estranged have done so after many years and many attempts at repair. And they agonized over it. Our generation is no longer okay with lighting ourselves on fire in order to keep our parents warm.
I disagree wholeheartedly. Who would choose estrangement? Who would choose to alienate themselves if they believed there could be a route to reconciliation? I don't believe anyone would. I sure wouldn't have chosen it, but I had to choose my own peace over enmeshment with someone who refused to grow, accept the consequences their mistakes had over my life, continuously infantilized me and somehow also expected me to be their caregiver when they got older. There are deep-seated problems with boomer/genx parents who don't acknowledge the power dynamics in the relationship or the autonomy of their adult children.
I find this all so frustrating. No one is saying voluntary estrangement from one’s family is never called for. I think the author explains herself very well. She says she’s all for boundaries when strong boundaries are called for.
What she is alluding to is a spoiled generation that doesn’t feel the need to learn the give and take of relationships. We are all a witness to the entitlement of the younger generation today. I have five children, and while we’re all very close, I see the tendency in them too.
I recently helped my mother die. I was her backup plan. I cared for her and helped her to the end, even when it wasn’t easy. And not because I am a martyr, but because I believe in the dignity and importance of family and that there are relationships where being a true and committed human being is called for because it’s the right thing.
This isn’t a relationship crisis we are living through, or a political crisis—it is a spiritual crisis. Even atheists acknowledge there are universal truths that govern behavior and action in this world, but we are being encouraged to forget those truths.
I hope I’m gone before the victim mentality becomes the law of the land, if it hasn’t already. What a cruel and lonely world it will be when compassion and forgiveness are gone for good.
The world is presently in a spiritual crisis, with the Divine being expunged, and I think that when people use words, such as, sacred, spiritual, compassion, etc., many readers/listeners switch off. My mother badly abused me as a child and I left home at 18 to work abroad. However, I chose to keep a thread of communication with her because she was my mother (she had given me the gift of life, albeit a difficult one!) and I chose to tend to her in her old age; neither because I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome or anything else, nor because she merited it, but simply as a younger person looking after an older person. I am now 80 - I have never considered myself to be a victim because, as an adult, I am responsible for myself. This present trend of victimhood drives me crazy 😜 go out and enjoy Life and practise kindness... 'do onto others as you would wish done onto yourself '
Who would choose estrangement? A narcissist who feels 100% responsible for her success and therefore has zero gratitude for what her parents did for her. A narcissist who is incapable of incorporating the feelings and needs of others into her decision to cut her parents off completely. A narcissistic who. . . I have quite a list but I’ll stop here.
I’m not sure where you are getting your information. Why would you ‘believe’ my experience when it isn’t your own? What is an ‘unsafe’ parent? Where has that idea come from? I would ask that you at least continue to consider that this is possible. I don’t think this is something you can understand unless it happens to you. I live an incredibly healthy lifestyle yet I got cancer. People often want to know what I did, or didn’t do, to get it. Sometimes things happen to us and it really isn’t our fault, which is very, very hard to accept I know. Please stop blaming parents when you don’t understand. Come walk a mile in my shoes, then we can continue this conversation.
You say: “And yes, sometimes cutting off contact really is the healthiest choice. I support anyone’s right to make that decision thoughtfully. But I also think we need to slow down and ask: are we cutting off dysfunction—or cutting off discomfort? Are we refusing to tolerate abuse—or refusing to engage in the repair work that all long-term relationships eventually require?”
I became estranged from my mother at age 44 after a lifetime of verbal, physical and emotional abuse and manipulation from her. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly or quickly. It came after 20 years of me trying over and over again to turn our relationship into something healthy. It never worked. It couldn’t be repaired, as only one of us was prepared to do the work.
So, I think estrangement is a complex and personal thing that is different for everyone and by calling it a trend, you diminish the difficulty and pain that people who make the decision to refuse any more abuse, go through.
That said, I completely agree that the governments of the world are trying to destabilise our sense of community and connection.
My story is also similar, my mother only ever "took care of me" between the ages of 13 and 18 when she kicked me out on the street because I forgot to dust my room for 1 week, clearly she was just looking for an excuse. Not surprising after she never bothered to show up to the custody hearing when I was 2.
I feel like this article comes from a very privileged perspective.
I think the article waa not directed at people in you situation, at all.
It seems more about kids who grow up in perhaps slightly dysfunction (read: imperfect) families, kids seem fine, happy even (tho again, imperfect) then years later - often after years in college - decide their parents just werent good enough.
Compare that to previous generations that KNEW , also, that their parents hadnt beem perfect, made mistakes (even a ton of mistakes) ... but understood that their parents did the best they could, given their circumstances & their childhoods & also understood how much we owe our parents (warts & all) & that our childhood/ life experiences (both positive and "negative") make us who we are.
Nowadays, ppl seem to think we are entitled to amazing, incredible, nururing, respectful (dare I say, perfect?) parents, & dont want to acknowledge how much we learn & grow from so-called "negative" experiences.
And none of that addresses that our Creator put us where we were always meant to be.
On the contrary it is you who has the privileged perspective, expecting other people to only write blog posts that cater to your experience, which you clearly know is atypical.
This clarity is so needed! I’m also a therapist, and I’m a parent of adult children. I’m so glad to hear you speak to this problem in our culture and, let’s be honest, in our profession. Estrangement ideology has been perpetuated by therapists who offer a weekly echo chamber of validation for their individual clients because challenging their narrative might mean losing a client. It perpetuates pain and isolation in families and keeps clients in a victim mindset whether they realize it or not. The root cause of this pain is localized externally in a difficult or mismatched familial relationship or person. Growth can’t happen in an echo chamber. Healing can’t happen in isolation.
I do agree with your article Rachel and have felt this way about a loss of connection and community post pandemic. Having personally experienced upsetting behaviour in my own family, I struggle with being the one always making the effort when it isn’t reciprocated.
A friend is a therapist and works with young people. She said this younger generation is brutal on their parents. They walk in to session armed with social media therapeutic language to pummel and diagnose their folks. She's so disheartened that she's ready to leave the profession.
Another friend fired her therapist because she was having challenges with her mom and her therapist suggested she cut off her Mom. She said "I didn't want to cut off my mother, I wanted some tools communicating as we have such different needs." The profession is complicit with this trend so your piece is much needed.
My family has experienced estrangement and it's devastating. Most of my friend group has experienced it either in their own families or their extended family. The intergenerational fallout can't be understated. Every month, I refer someone new to Josh Coleman's work.
Thank you for this thoughtful piece and for your work in the world. I'm sharing it with therapist friends, clients and other parents navigating the pain and confusion.
I appreciate the honesty of this post and exposing the fraudulent language that many are now using. Toxic becomes the 'go to' catch all for when someone refuses to think about the hurt they are imposing when 'no contact' is celebrated by those who have no context or background to the family situation that is now permanently scarred.
Yeah... that kind of "love" left me with cPTSD. I will continue to avoid people that treat me even slightly close to the way my family treated me. Nobody deserves that
This is a good article. I very much agree. Although, many times reconciliation is not possible because the two parties involved are not the problem. In my experience, when an adult child gets to be estranged from their loving families it is becaise the adult child is being coercively controlled by their partner to think their family of origin is bad in some way. The adult child is actively being isolated from their support network and they don't realize that they are being abused by their spouse; or in really bad scenerios, they can't fight against the abuse, so they go along with the estrangement because it is what their abusive spouse wants.
It really isn't that the family doesn't get along. It's about an abusive spouse and their desire to control.
For eleven years I have followed Dr. Joshua Coleman's group, and this comes up again and again. Often the isolating spouse waits until the leverage of children is in play and then the ultimatum is levied.
Yes, my brother’s wife decided a year ago that he’s no longer able to have a relationship with his family and we can no longer see their kids. My mom is devastated. This all happened because I committed the unforgivable sin of being late for dinner. (Yes it was rude but unintentional. I did apologize. It didn’t matter, we don’t live up to her standards.) She attempted to excommunicate me and my husband and kids from the family and when my parents refused to support that, she cut them off too.
Thank God your parents could see the games for what they are. I fear many people see the issue as a 'sibling thing' which plays right into the abuser's hands.
Obviously it’s more nuanced than that but that was apparently the final straw. For many years I thought that we were friends - she was part of my family and I loved her. Apparently all this time she’s hated me and been keeping score of every time we were a minute late for anything, every time we celebrated Christmas in a way she didn’t like, every time my teenagers used their phones during a family gathering, every piece of dog hair in my home (she hates pets), every time the conversation wasn’t deep enough for her liking, etc. If she wants to dislike me that’s her right, but my parents have never been anything but kind and welcoming to her, helped them, regularly babysat so they could go out whenever they wanted, and now she’s turned on them and won’t allow them to see their grandkids. It’s completely unbelievable how she could be so cruel to them.
Your family member being abused by their spouse pushes the emotional, psychological abuse onto you because they cannot fight against their abusive spouse. I think this is called secondary abuse.
I have found that being able to find the correct vocabulary is a springboard to finding more information to make sense of your experiences. It is really confusing until you see the pattern over and over and over....
Thank you for your statement. This is exactly what our family is experiencing with our son. As their relationship grew we experienced her swearing at our family and telling us what's wrong with us. She created chaos every holiday, birthday, and special event. We all walked on pins and needles around her. The hardest part was watching our son slowly adopt her behavior. After their wedding, she managed to isolate him from his lifelong friends, and distance our family. When they were expecting their first child, I even mustered up the courage to share with her that I was afraid she'd punish us by keeping us away from our grandchild. Of course she said, "I'd never do that!" My granddaughter is two and a half and we haven't seen her since she was six weeks old. We now have a second granddaughter that we'll never get to hold. My ninty-year-old Mom and our other children has never seen either child. His friends and family are gone. Am I wrong for thinking it's also his fault because he didn't stand up for his family connections? He's no longer the son we mourn.
That is so terrible. How can people forget decades of good relationships? How does a good person turn into an enabler of abuse or just an outright abuser themselves? Is the abuse they live with that bad, so bad that they have to abuse their own family? I suffer these same questions... But as One therapist said : there are no victims just volunteers. It might be an unpopular opinion but I think it is true for some of these victims-turned-abusers. They decide to take the easy way out, which is instead of facing the fact that they married a bad person, instead they will treat you like the abuser. Hopefully one day there will be more resources for families of origin and the abuse they suffer due to one person's terrible decision to marry and force the abuser on everyone else. This is single handedly destroying more families than divorce. But no one is talking about it.
As the only family member on one side of my family who is trying to maintain and even encourage communication this is damn complicated. I tried explaining my thoughts while affirming their concerns but was met with silence or a barrage of Fox News quotes. I tried to bring family members from the two sides together but they ended up disowning each other. Family gatherings became unbearable. I am now confined to sharing in on family news conversations on Facebook and sending birthday greetings. The only time everyone managed to keep it together was at one family reunion to keep peace for my 95 year old brother. It was wonderful for a while to talk of old times when politics weren’t taking over. I know a grief over this that weighs me down. I honestly think it will never end and when my brother is gone that will be it. 😣
I don’t talk politics with family. Number one rule. Politics should not be taken out on family members. It’s to much like religion. One wouldn’t try and convert a family member from Christiandom to Hinduism because they really believe Hinduism would be a better choice.
This is how me and my family try to keep it but this is seen as a bad thing these days with most people my age. It comes across as faking it or being fake. That's the mentality at least these days for a lot of my peers that I talk with.
At least you are trying Linda... I know it might not feel like much when your efforts aren't being matched and the results aren't showing but it matters. It seems to be a growing theme these days so just know you aren't alone.
Everything you said here is true. After years of unresolved issues, misunderstandings, and increasingly bad fights, I walked away from my family (parents and younger sibling). We didn't speak for almost 4 years. I don't think the therapists and influencers who cheer this on understand how damaging it is to your soul to make this choice. In my case, I reached back out after some painful soul-searching and confusion, we reconciled over time, and our relationship is much *much* better. I believe I sinned gravely and will always regret what I did, but I've made peace with the past.
I changed my mind about the estrangement because a few people I respected were brave enough to suggest I reconsider my decision and *try* to fix things. They could see a truth that I could not, but they were compassionate in their delivery. More rifts like this would be fixed if people were braver about speaking up.
Superb, Rachel! you nailed it! I have an ex-husband, 4 married children and 11 grandkids. We don't relate perfectly by any means, but we all agree that FAMILY is super important and worth our best efforts. i strongly support all you are trying to do to resolve estrangement and no contact.
If this was reframed to be about the adult parents taking accountability and leading the way to open dialogue, self reflection, change…then it would be doing something.
Taking accountability is easy if you know what you need to be accountable for. But when a person walks away and there is silence from them, how do you expect a parent to be accountable?
Open dialogue? Sure that’s easy if the AC talks to you. When the parent is met with silence, that’s a little difficult.
Self reflection? Sure that’s easy. They parented for twenty plus years and know they are not perfect, but they sure as hell tried their hardest.
Change? You mean change to what you want? What feels good to you? What does change even mean? Perhaps you should learn to accept people for who they are, warts and all. And if you can’t, then maybe that’s on you.
I appreciate this article from a systemic point of view. From a personal one- as someone who has been temporarily estranged from her parents and had since reconciled- I struggle with the idea of estrangement being an ideology. Most people I meet who have difficult family relationships consider low or no contact a last resort, and I always did too. Because it’s not some cute milestone. It’s extremely painful.
A fantastic article. One that gets to the heart of what is going on in our society and not just the destruction of family, although that is surely one of the key targets. Those doubting what is going on might take a look at the Frankfurt School and post modernist movements' takeover of the education system, starting at Columbia University in the 1930-1950 period. In the Commonwealth nations, we have the Fabians operating much the same ideological program. End goal is state/corporate totalitarian control (fascism by another name) and to get that they need to replace the family with the all powerful State—digital ids, CBDCs and tokenisation of everything are stages on the path.
I appreciate your feedback, and I’ve also recently discovered your articles. Very thought provoking and insightful, thank you!
Thank you for this. I’ve been estranged from my adult son for ten years and have a granddaughter I will never know. This article resonated deeply with me.
The Frankfurt School? The Frankfurt School destroyed the modern family when the market forces are right there? Turning children into atomized individual consumers whose every desire must be catered to? The Frankfurt School destroyed the moral authority of the church, made children laugh at their parents, trivialized values? more so than 50 years of “have it your way” burger and cereal commercials and “family values” brought to you courtesy of Married With Children culminating in the supremacy of Joe Rogan? Maaaaaan. All I can say is, the urge to find a leftist Jewish conspiracy scapegoat has got to be really powerful for you to pull this one out of your rear end.
You're clearly drawing on themes from the later Frankfurt School—Adorno and Horkheimer’s critique of consumerism and the culture industry—and yes, their analysis of how mass media pacifies the public and corrodes traditional values still holds weight. But the irony is that you’re using their insights to mock the very tradition they came from. What you’re overlooking is that the Frankfurt School’s earlier project explicitly targeted the traditional family as a site of ideological reproduction. In Authority and the Family (1936), Horkheimer argued that the family isn’t just a private haven but a mechanism for instilling obedience and conformity—essential for sustaining both capitalism and authoritarianism. Marcuse and Fromm developed this further, tying the family to psychic repression and social control. This wasn’t just a critique in isolation—it was part of a broader re-engineering of the social sciences, shifting them from descriptive disciplines to normatively charged tools for social transformation. Education, psychology, and sociology were reshaped to view institutions like the family, religion, and moral authority not as foundational but as obstacles to liberation. So when I pointed out that ideological currents within academia sought to reshape the family and undermine inherited values, I'm not grasping at some form of conspiracy (Jewish or not)—I'm describing what was openly theorised, institutionalised and eventually mainstreamed. Reducing that legacy to a scapegoating impulse misses both the intellectual history and the demonstrable institutional effects it produced. You’re half right about consumerism—but you're standing on ground the early Frankfurt School prepared, whether you realise it or not.
All I can say is, the urge to find a leftist Jewish conspiracy scapegoat has got to be really powerful for you to pull this one out of your rear end.
The Frankfurt School is not PREscriptive—it DESCRIBES a method of analysis. I’m not *ignoring* the contention that the family is “a site of ideological reproduction” —it’s an underlying assumption because it is obviously and self evidently *true*. Am I missing something?
I’m just finishing my dissertation at Virginia Tech (rhetoric and writing) after a decade teaching full time and completing 2 MAs. I can absolutely confirm that Critical race theorists (Delgado, Bell, Crenshaw), postmodernists, critical pedagogues (Freire), gender theorists, and Marxists took up/cited the Frankfurt school’s critique of capitalist production to critique cultural sites of production (schools, communities, companies, churches, publishers, govt structures, and yes the domestic sphere in the form of the family, etc.) to identify obstacles that prevent liberation. My trans and female peers explicitly state the hetero monogamous family unit is an obstacle to their freedom, it oppresses them and they must liberate children. Humanities are steeped in the Frankfurt paradigm. It’s literally not a conspiracy, to claim so is a red herring and epithet. Ive read so many authors and mainstream scholars in composition studies, rhetoric, and applied linguistics who use Marcuse, Adorno, and others as theoretical foundations and research frameworks. Please consider this experience and adjust your reality to accommodate this new information so you realize when you’re sharing incomplete understanding or misinformation. Howard is 💯 on this.
Your contention appears to be that there is only ONE view/desirable organization of family. That is obviously and self evidently UNtrue.
You’ve shifted from mockery to a kind of strategic concession—acknowledging that the family is a “site of ideological reproduction” but now claiming the Frankfurt School was merely descriptive, not prescriptive. That’s a rhetorical deflection.
Let’s be clear: the Frankfurt School, particularly in its early phase, was not content with analysis for its own sake. Horkheimer, Marcuse, Fromm—they developed Critical Theory precisely as a tool for social transformation. In Authority and the Family (1936), Horkheimer didn’t neutrally observe the family—he argued that the traditional family structure produced authoritarian personalities and reinforced capitalist domination. This critique was foundational to a broader effort to re-engineer the social sciences, which increasingly treated institutions like the family, church, and school as targets for ideological deconstruction.
So when you say the ideological role of the family is “self-evidently true,” what you’re really doing is conceding the premise while downplaying the programme that followed from it—in education, psychology, and culture. That’s not honest engagement; that’s rhetorical containment.
As for the accusation that I’m defending “only ONE desirable organisation of family”—that’s a straw man. No one here claimed the traditional family is the only valid form. The point is that ideological projects—shaped in part by Frankfurt School thinking—have systematically delegitimised it under the banner of liberation, without acknowledging the social fragmentation and atomisation that followed. Raising that concern is not the same as insisting on one model—it’s pointing out the consequences of deliberately unmaking one without offering a stable alternative.
So again: this isn’t about nostalgia or conspiracy. It’s about recognising that ideas have institutional consequences—and pretending that the Frankfurt School’s influence was merely observational is, at best, misinformed, and at worst, evasive.
Thank you Rachel. It’s just what I needed as I sit here sobbing…and feeling all alone. The pain is real. I know I’m not alone
Sending a virtual hug, Bernadette.
We are not alone❤️
There are many of us grieving. You are not alone. 💜
Sending a virtual hug to you as well, Bernadette!
No, sadly, you are definitely 💯 not alone. I am so sorry for your pain.
The loss of a child who is still alive is devastating. Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself and be good to yourself. Your well-being matters. You matter.
There is a line in the Baghavad Gita where Krishna tells the warrior Arjuna that we are all entitled to our actions but not the “fruits of our actions.” These wise words are a solace to me. My son, who was raised with love, now has this endowment from me of the “fruits of my actions.” So he reaps the benefits of my good care. And I was a good mother.
I believe that his decision to estrange from us shows a deficit of courage, fortitude, strength, and integrity. I have to reckon with the painful probability that all of my determination, protectiveness, worry, joys, laughter, celebration, a hundred decisions and revisions that a moment will undo (T.S. Elliot) — given freely in the hopes of raising a good man who would “pay it forward” — were for naught. Because I know as sure as I’m writing this text right now that someone who could treat/discard me as my son has, is not a good man by any standard I recognize.
But, according to Krishna, I have my actions, as the warrior Arjuna did. I feel good about how I mothered my son. And that is something no one, not even my adult son, can take from me.
Wishing you peace, love, and light.
You are not alone...I am sobbing for both of us!
Yes, you are not alone.
Sending virtual hugs in which we long for ♥️
I’m sobbing with you and thought I was alone.
You're really not alone. Adding to the hugs x
Virtual hugs. I'm sure we both long to hug and be hugged by our children.
Thank you so much. I long to be embraced. My sister many states away is hurting with me and she feels like she is loosing me in the process. I am not the same.
Hugs
I’m so glad that a therapist wrote an article from a SOCIOLOGICAL perspective. Yes- this is a movement and you are spot on. It’s similar to what we are seeing with politics and social action protesting or promoting DEI , book banning and other ideological driven activities.
In other words, ideology leaves no room for compromise or balance in points of view. So many of today’s parental alienations are not due to parental abuse or child endangerment but from adult children feeling entitled; they cry abuse and mistreatment when met with parental disagreement or difference in perspective and viewpoint. Our world has moved away from middle ground and is becoming polarized as these attitudinal younger generations move into adulthood. Sadly, pain and suffering usually provide the greatest lessons in humility.
That someone loves them and cares for them as they are. Children who are trans and face alienation at home have off the charts suicidal behavior. There’s no amount of “indoctrination” at school to make a child trans. Teachers would indoctrinating kids into doing their homework if this was even possible.
There are also a rising number of suicides from young folks who "transitioned" as teens/young adults, then later were horrified by their decision, a life choice they could not undo.
Citation needed
Its not a secret. Anyone can research the topic.
Even before the incr wokeness in the past few yrs there was at least one book on the subject of serious mental health issues faced by young ppl who transitoned:
"Irreversible Damage" by a pro-trans lesbian author
2021
That book is packed with debunked claims and misleading argument. It’s been widely debunked by experts. Anyone can research the topic.
lol
You’re living in an irrational fantasyland. If god gave me my gender, he didn’t do a good job! Or maybe, if god doesn’t make mistakes, trans people are actually what they say they anre and YOU are the one standing in the way of his will. After all, it’s odd that the gender binary, for supposedly being biological and divine in origin, takes so much enforcement and punishment to maintain…
So, how does a mistake like that happen?
Indeed, how? Trans people aren’t mistakes. We’re part of God’s plan, obviously. How could you possibly know better than a literal child of god what their gender identity is??? Nobody appointed you to a position of divine authority over others. Get over it.
Schools do not transition children, please stop spreading false information.
They absolutely do secretly “socially transition” children. It is the law in California and probably other states by now.
Wow, i think you need to look up what transitioning is. It's not being given resources and kindness. Not to mention, social media is so far from a reputable source for information
So it’s secret…and also public…? lol conspiracy thinking at its finest
The influence public schools and ideological activist teachers have today can overwhelm the influence of parents, especially when what's going on there is kept secret from them.
If you have kids, surely you wdve noticed you can explain any small thing to your kids & they ignore you, then come home one day all enthusiastic abt the very same idea bc a teacher they like said it?
That happens A LOT, whether the child hears it from a friend, the tv (internet these days) etc. It's very powerful.
(They arent the only ones 😉 eg someone advises their spouse who ignores them, then the spouse hears the same from a friend or respected peer or even online & now they listen!)
Thank you for all your posts and this exceptional article. I have been also asking why the parent-adult child relationship are not expected to be reciprocal. I see so many younger generation amputating relationships, blame and shame lacking maturity, having no clue about boundaries, no accountability and are one way street righteous activists. Maybe we contributed by saving and not letting them experience consequences. Healthy Relationships 101 should also be taught in school. My hope is that people will listen to each other and yes its super uncomfortable to deal with conflict but we can grow from it. Ah the Rich deep love of Grandparents!
I agree, communication and emotional regulation skills should be taught early! Thanks for your feedback
at home and in school
No, not everything "should be taught in schools". Relationships should be taught at home. This outsourcing mentality is probably a high contributor to this mess.
Perhaps we need both. All children do not have parents who understand relationships and have no way to teach what they don't know.
The government explaining to children how relationships should work. What could go wrong.
As an instructional aide and supervision aide for elementary school for the past 20 years, I can tell you relationships ARE taught at home. Good ones and bad ones. It's bringing those dynamics into a larger community when we find out who is being taught what. Some kids do great one on one with their parents but can't navigate their place with their peers.
i stated also in schools (meaning at home as well)
The power of social media these days cannot be underestimated. In my case my son was close to us in the 'before', but he struggled to fit in and had a wobbly sense of self. He had plenty of loving support from his whole family, cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents as well. I am sure there are cases where cut offs may be warranted, but there are also vulnerable young people and adults who are living their lives online to the exclusion of real life contact. It's sad and scary. Yes, it is his choice to live on the edge but he is loved and missed by all of us.
not necessarily.
colleges are well known sources of opposition to "traditional values", including family loyalty, forgiveness etc.
There’s nothing in 5 years of college that even hinted at this.
Colleges teach critical thinking skills? Really? Because I helped put five children through college recently and that is not my impression.
Children are being taught that governments are the true authority figures. I can cite dozens of examples but I sense you aren’t ready to confront this truth.
If you’re truly interested in growth, start your research with Sweden. The government there was highly successful in teaching young people that family systems are unnatural and inconvenient. It has been widely cited and written about and is not what you’d call a “conspiracy theory.”
Not once did college teach me critical thinking skills. Who did teach me this? My dad.
Are you a troll with an agenda? You’ve hijacked a well-meaning and remarkable thread.
No, society has played a very big part. I’m surprised I even have to say this.
No. Children are as influenced by their friends as by their parents. Adult modeling doesn’t always result in the child copying that behavior.
Depends on where the child’s primary attachment lies. If the parents abandon their children to peer care from an early age for 5/7 of their waking hours then yeah, the kids are going to follow their peers.
"If estranged parents spent half as much time working on themselves as they do feeling sorry for themselves, they might have relationships with their kids."
THIS
KW Wow. Smart.
I do think you are missing some pieces of the problem. Many loving and caring 'good enough' parents are being cut off by their children. I don't think we, here, are talking about those who were getting their own needs met through their children. It truly isn't true that if you were a good enough parent your kids won't cut you off.
True estrangement is incredibly rare as it goes against every biological need. The people I know who are estranged have done so after many years and many attempts at repair. And they agonized over it. Our generation is no longer okay with lighting ourselves on fire in order to keep our parents warm.
I disagree wholeheartedly. Who would choose estrangement? Who would choose to alienate themselves if they believed there could be a route to reconciliation? I don't believe anyone would. I sure wouldn't have chosen it, but I had to choose my own peace over enmeshment with someone who refused to grow, accept the consequences their mistakes had over my life, continuously infantilized me and somehow also expected me to be their caregiver when they got older. There are deep-seated problems with boomer/genx parents who don't acknowledge the power dynamics in the relationship or the autonomy of their adult children.
I find this all so frustrating. No one is saying voluntary estrangement from one’s family is never called for. I think the author explains herself very well. She says she’s all for boundaries when strong boundaries are called for.
What she is alluding to is a spoiled generation that doesn’t feel the need to learn the give and take of relationships. We are all a witness to the entitlement of the younger generation today. I have five children, and while we’re all very close, I see the tendency in them too.
I recently helped my mother die. I was her backup plan. I cared for her and helped her to the end, even when it wasn’t easy. And not because I am a martyr, but because I believe in the dignity and importance of family and that there are relationships where being a true and committed human being is called for because it’s the right thing.
This isn’t a relationship crisis we are living through, or a political crisis—it is a spiritual crisis. Even atheists acknowledge there are universal truths that govern behavior and action in this world, but we are being encouraged to forget those truths.
I hope I’m gone before the victim mentality becomes the law of the land, if it hasn’t already. What a cruel and lonely world it will be when compassion and forgiveness are gone for good.
The world is presently in a spiritual crisis, with the Divine being expunged, and I think that when people use words, such as, sacred, spiritual, compassion, etc., many readers/listeners switch off. My mother badly abused me as a child and I left home at 18 to work abroad. However, I chose to keep a thread of communication with her because she was my mother (she had given me the gift of life, albeit a difficult one!) and I chose to tend to her in her old age; neither because I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome or anything else, nor because she merited it, but simply as a younger person looking after an older person. I am now 80 - I have never considered myself to be a victim because, as an adult, I am responsible for myself. This present trend of victimhood drives me crazy 😜 go out and enjoy Life and practise kindness... 'do onto others as you would wish done onto yourself '
THANK YOU!!
Who would choose estrangement? A narcissist who feels 100% responsible for her success and therefore has zero gratitude for what her parents did for her. A narcissist who is incapable of incorporating the feelings and needs of others into her decision to cut her parents off completely. A narcissistic who. . . I have quite a list but I’ll stop here.
I would give anything to hear his perspective.
I’m not sure where you are getting your information. Why would you ‘believe’ my experience when it isn’t your own? What is an ‘unsafe’ parent? Where has that idea come from? I would ask that you at least continue to consider that this is possible. I don’t think this is something you can understand unless it happens to you. I live an incredibly healthy lifestyle yet I got cancer. People often want to know what I did, or didn’t do, to get it. Sometimes things happen to us and it really isn’t our fault, which is very, very hard to accept I know. Please stop blaming parents when you don’t understand. Come walk a mile in my shoes, then we can continue this conversation.
You say: “And yes, sometimes cutting off contact really is the healthiest choice. I support anyone’s right to make that decision thoughtfully. But I also think we need to slow down and ask: are we cutting off dysfunction—or cutting off discomfort? Are we refusing to tolerate abuse—or refusing to engage in the repair work that all long-term relationships eventually require?”
I became estranged from my mother at age 44 after a lifetime of verbal, physical and emotional abuse and manipulation from her. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly or quickly. It came after 20 years of me trying over and over again to turn our relationship into something healthy. It never worked. It couldn’t be repaired, as only one of us was prepared to do the work.
So, I think estrangement is a complex and personal thing that is different for everyone and by calling it a trend, you diminish the difficulty and pain that people who make the decision to refuse any more abuse, go through.
That said, I completely agree that the governments of the world are trying to destabilise our sense of community and connection.
My story is also similar, my mother only ever "took care of me" between the ages of 13 and 18 when she kicked me out on the street because I forgot to dust my room for 1 week, clearly she was just looking for an excuse. Not surprising after she never bothered to show up to the custody hearing when I was 2.
I feel like this article comes from a very privileged perspective.
I think the article waa not directed at people in you situation, at all.
It seems more about kids who grow up in perhaps slightly dysfunction (read: imperfect) families, kids seem fine, happy even (tho again, imperfect) then years later - often after years in college - decide their parents just werent good enough.
Compare that to previous generations that KNEW , also, that their parents hadnt beem perfect, made mistakes (even a ton of mistakes) ... but understood that their parents did the best they could, given their circumstances & their childhoods & also understood how much we owe our parents (warts & all) & that our childhood/ life experiences (both positive and "negative") make us who we are.
Nowadays, ppl seem to think we are entitled to amazing, incredible, nururing, respectful (dare I say, perfect?) parents, & dont want to acknowledge how much we learn & grow from so-called "negative" experiences.
And none of that addresses that our Creator put us where we were always meant to be.
I think most folks who choose to cut off relationships with their parents are very aware that their parents didn't need to be perfect.
Often the choice to cut off parents is an outgrown of parents not being self reflective or aware when asked by their adult children
On the contrary it is you who has the privileged perspective, expecting other people to only write blog posts that cater to your experience, which you clearly know is atypical.
This clarity is so needed! I’m also a therapist, and I’m a parent of adult children. I’m so glad to hear you speak to this problem in our culture and, let’s be honest, in our profession. Estrangement ideology has been perpetuated by therapists who offer a weekly echo chamber of validation for their individual clients because challenging their narrative might mean losing a client. It perpetuates pain and isolation in families and keeps clients in a victim mindset whether they realize it or not. The root cause of this pain is localized externally in a difficult or mismatched familial relationship or person. Growth can’t happen in an echo chamber. Healing can’t happen in isolation.
Well said, Carrie. Thank you!
Thank you thank you thank you for this acknowledgment of the professional challenges associated with counseling through estrangement issues.
Well said, Rachel!
Thank you, Dr. Coleman!
I do agree with your article Rachel and have felt this way about a loss of connection and community post pandemic. Having personally experienced upsetting behaviour in my own family, I struggle with being the one always making the effort when it isn’t reciprocated.
POW! This!
Wow. I'm so deeply moved by this, Rachel.
A friend is a therapist and works with young people. She said this younger generation is brutal on their parents. They walk in to session armed with social media therapeutic language to pummel and diagnose their folks. She's so disheartened that she's ready to leave the profession.
Another friend fired her therapist because she was having challenges with her mom and her therapist suggested she cut off her Mom. She said "I didn't want to cut off my mother, I wanted some tools communicating as we have such different needs." The profession is complicit with this trend so your piece is much needed.
My family has experienced estrangement and it's devastating. Most of my friend group has experienced it either in their own families or their extended family. The intergenerational fallout can't be understated. Every month, I refer someone new to Josh Coleman's work.
Thank you for this thoughtful piece and for your work in the world. I'm sharing it with therapist friends, clients and other parents navigating the pain and confusion.
I appreciate the honesty of this post and exposing the fraudulent language that many are now using. Toxic becomes the 'go to' catch all for when someone refuses to think about the hurt they are imposing when 'no contact' is celebrated by those who have no context or background to the family situation that is now permanently scarred.
Sadly, these young people who have banished parents from their lives deprive themselves of a kind of love that is not to be found anywhere else.
Yeah... that kind of "love" left me with cPTSD. I will continue to avoid people that treat me even slightly close to the way my family treated me. Nobody deserves that
This is a good article. I very much agree. Although, many times reconciliation is not possible because the two parties involved are not the problem. In my experience, when an adult child gets to be estranged from their loving families it is becaise the adult child is being coercively controlled by their partner to think their family of origin is bad in some way. The adult child is actively being isolated from their support network and they don't realize that they are being abused by their spouse; or in really bad scenerios, they can't fight against the abuse, so they go along with the estrangement because it is what their abusive spouse wants.
It really isn't that the family doesn't get along. It's about an abusive spouse and their desire to control.
For eleven years I have followed Dr. Joshua Coleman's group, and this comes up again and again. Often the isolating spouse waits until the leverage of children is in play and then the ultimatum is levied.
Yes, my brother’s wife decided a year ago that he’s no longer able to have a relationship with his family and we can no longer see their kids. My mom is devastated. This all happened because I committed the unforgivable sin of being late for dinner. (Yes it was rude but unintentional. I did apologize. It didn’t matter, we don’t live up to her standards.) She attempted to excommunicate me and my husband and kids from the family and when my parents refused to support that, she cut them off too.
Thank God your parents could see the games for what they are. I fear many people see the issue as a 'sibling thing' which plays right into the abuser's hands.
Obviously it’s more nuanced than that but that was apparently the final straw. For many years I thought that we were friends - she was part of my family and I loved her. Apparently all this time she’s hated me and been keeping score of every time we were a minute late for anything, every time we celebrated Christmas in a way she didn’t like, every time my teenagers used their phones during a family gathering, every piece of dog hair in my home (she hates pets), every time the conversation wasn’t deep enough for her liking, etc. If she wants to dislike me that’s her right, but my parents have never been anything but kind and welcoming to her, helped them, regularly babysat so they could go out whenever they wanted, and now she’s turned on them and won’t allow them to see their grandkids. It’s completely unbelievable how she could be so cruel to them.
So, it's clear you have little or no experience with irrational people.
Your family member being abused by their spouse pushes the emotional, psychological abuse onto you because they cannot fight against their abusive spouse. I think this is called secondary abuse.
I have found that being able to find the correct vocabulary is a springboard to finding more information to make sense of your experiences. It is really confusing until you see the pattern over and over and over....
Thank you for your statement. This is exactly what our family is experiencing with our son. As their relationship grew we experienced her swearing at our family and telling us what's wrong with us. She created chaos every holiday, birthday, and special event. We all walked on pins and needles around her. The hardest part was watching our son slowly adopt her behavior. After their wedding, she managed to isolate him from his lifelong friends, and distance our family. When they were expecting their first child, I even mustered up the courage to share with her that I was afraid she'd punish us by keeping us away from our grandchild. Of course she said, "I'd never do that!" My granddaughter is two and a half and we haven't seen her since she was six weeks old. We now have a second granddaughter that we'll never get to hold. My ninty-year-old Mom and our other children has never seen either child. His friends and family are gone. Am I wrong for thinking it's also his fault because he didn't stand up for his family connections? He's no longer the son we mourn.
That is so terrible. How can people forget decades of good relationships? How does a good person turn into an enabler of abuse or just an outright abuser themselves? Is the abuse they live with that bad, so bad that they have to abuse their own family? I suffer these same questions... But as One therapist said : there are no victims just volunteers. It might be an unpopular opinion but I think it is true for some of these victims-turned-abusers. They decide to take the easy way out, which is instead of facing the fact that they married a bad person, instead they will treat you like the abuser. Hopefully one day there will be more resources for families of origin and the abuse they suffer due to one person's terrible decision to marry and force the abuser on everyone else. This is single handedly destroying more families than divorce. But no one is talking about it.
As the only family member on one side of my family who is trying to maintain and even encourage communication this is damn complicated. I tried explaining my thoughts while affirming their concerns but was met with silence or a barrage of Fox News quotes. I tried to bring family members from the two sides together but they ended up disowning each other. Family gatherings became unbearable. I am now confined to sharing in on family news conversations on Facebook and sending birthday greetings. The only time everyone managed to keep it together was at one family reunion to keep peace for my 95 year old brother. It was wonderful for a while to talk of old times when politics weren’t taking over. I know a grief over this that weighs me down. I honestly think it will never end and when my brother is gone that will be it. 😣
I don’t talk politics with family. Number one rule. Politics should not be taken out on family members. It’s to much like religion. One wouldn’t try and convert a family member from Christiandom to Hinduism because they really believe Hinduism would be a better choice.
This is how me and my family try to keep it but this is seen as a bad thing these days with most people my age. It comes across as faking it or being fake. That's the mentality at least these days for a lot of my peers that I talk with.
At least you are trying Linda... I know it might not feel like much when your efforts aren't being matched and the results aren't showing but it matters. It seems to be a growing theme these days so just know you aren't alone.
Everything you said here is true. After years of unresolved issues, misunderstandings, and increasingly bad fights, I walked away from my family (parents and younger sibling). We didn't speak for almost 4 years. I don't think the therapists and influencers who cheer this on understand how damaging it is to your soul to make this choice. In my case, I reached back out after some painful soul-searching and confusion, we reconciled over time, and our relationship is much *much* better. I believe I sinned gravely and will always regret what I did, but I've made peace with the past.
I changed my mind about the estrangement because a few people I respected were brave enough to suggest I reconsider my decision and *try* to fix things. They could see a truth that I could not, but they were compassionate in their delivery. More rifts like this would be fixed if people were braver about speaking up.
Thanks. This gives me hope for my daughter. She hasn't spoken to us in over a year. I thought we had a close relationship, just not perfect.
Superb, Rachel! you nailed it! I have an ex-husband, 4 married children and 11 grandkids. We don't relate perfectly by any means, but we all agree that FAMILY is super important and worth our best efforts. i strongly support all you are trying to do to resolve estrangement and no contact.
Thank you, Cindy!
If this was reframed to be about the adult parents taking accountability and leading the way to open dialogue, self reflection, change…then it would be doing something.
Agree 100%
Taking accountability is easy if you know what you need to be accountable for. But when a person walks away and there is silence from them, how do you expect a parent to be accountable?
Open dialogue? Sure that’s easy if the AC talks to you. When the parent is met with silence, that’s a little difficult.
Self reflection? Sure that’s easy. They parented for twenty plus years and know they are not perfect, but they sure as hell tried their hardest.
Change? You mean change to what you want? What feels good to you? What does change even mean? Perhaps you should learn to accept people for who they are, warts and all. And if you can’t, then maybe that’s on you.
Thank you Rachel for taking the time to so beautifully and succinctly describe the issues that face the family unit in this day and age.
I appreciate this article from a systemic point of view. From a personal one- as someone who has been temporarily estranged from her parents and had since reconciled- I struggle with the idea of estrangement being an ideology. Most people I meet who have difficult family relationships consider low or no contact a last resort, and I always did too. Because it’s not some cute milestone. It’s extremely painful.
I appreciate you sharing your experience!