Great entry. I have so many people tell me to restrict contact with my mom just because she is old and struggling. The reasonable observation that I can’t rescue her is somehow extended to I should not be there for her. I would never ever abandon my mom. You would think friends would be supportive when my mom had been there for me through terrible times. But no - if parents are inconvenient they are disposable. I’m disgusted. I no longer see a therapist ! I take care of my own mental health and my family the more old fashioned way - by working hard and trying to be responsible.
I am shocked and sad that people would suggest that you restrict contact with your old and struggling mother. Yes relationships and people can be hard work, inconvenient and emotional. But we must also be able to live with ourselves. I hope that you can be a positive influence on your misguided friends. It makes me sad for their families.
I like the point and distinction you make re: not being able to “rescue her” (your Mom) from the fact that that does NOT mean you “should not be there for her.”
I recently had to act in such a way with my own mother who I have had to set very firm boundaries with due to her long-time negative and hurtful behaviors, betrayals, choices & actions against me. However, when my sister, my mother’s youngest child (who had been severely disabled for decades), had to be placed on Hospice Care and subsequently passed away, I temporarily put my differences with my mother aside so as to support her in her time of loss & grief—as well as focus on my sister and her passing. This created a very traumatic and stressful 6-week period of time for me, but I knew this was the right thing to do, and I did it.
Contrast my actions to those of my three estranged middle-aged adult children who—to this day (two months later)—have never offered me even a hug or one word of support or condolence for the pain and suffering I was experiencing at the end of my “Baby Sister’s” life—my first sibling to die [also, to this day, I have never been told what horrid crimes I am guilty of which warranted their need & desire to cut me out of their lives (and of my grandchildrens’) and be thrown away like a piece of trash]. Instead I received silence, and demands (via texts) about how I was to behave around them and their children at my own sister’s funeral. Yet they had the audacity to say to me they were attending the funeral to “support the family”—which obviously did not include me!
I ask myself: “Who are these people?” Certainly not the children I birthed, raised, or once knew. Yet, they go about their lives, having zero communication with me, demonstrating zero care or concern for me—let alone “love,” taking zero responsibility for their abusive behaviors towards me, re-writing history, creating a false persona and narrative about me, making me out to be the “villian” and “problem” in their lives. The worst part is the lies being told to my grandchildren about me; the modeling of such toxic, hypocritical and amoral behavior for my grandchildren; the denial of me & my grandchildren from having a loving relationship with each other; and the perpetuation of generational abuse & trauma.
They support each other in their delusions and have their actions “rubber-stamped” by their “therapists” and other enablers in their lives. SO, SO SICK!
I suppose these types of endings are only possible because no one speaks them in person. It’s much easier to compose that succinct, injurious message when you don’t have to experience a persons anguish or answer their questions. The lack of reciprocity in this digital age is so sad and not human.
Because I love my son to the moon and back I worry that someday he will have to live with the regret of causing such heartache. Folks tell me that isn’t ‘my problem’ but I’m a mom and these are the things that cause me pain. I have no idea how he can stay in the place he has landed or why he continues to stay there, alone and away from all the family that adored him. I wish I had been so adored by my mother, but even while I wasn’t I became her champion and protector as she fell into dementia. Who will be there for us, my husband and I at 70 and 75??
Isn't it just so difficult to know who to be mad at!! I adore my son and I would rather be angry at anyone but him, but at the end of the day it is he who has walked away from us. I do notice that those who can sustain being angry seem to fare better than those of us who are heartbroken.
💯 agree. My stomach churns with rage & despair thinking of every person who cheer-leaded my obviously mentally struggling “brainwashed” son into a devastating oblivion, the betrayal feels more unbearable because my ex (my son’s father) and even my own parents were complicit in validating my sons paranoia that I was an abusive “terf” mother who deserved to be completely erased from his life (despite they wilfully refused to become informed of the genuine issues).
I feel unable to move forward the grief of being treated worse than some heinous criminal has felt emotionally paralysing. I will love my once-caring son til my last breath, though to him I’ve been dead for several years. Our sons & daughters have been preyed on by those peddling or cheerleading this evil ideology, and many (inc my son), have been grievously harmed by medical”transition” while estranged💔.
I feel you Haley and have known others whose extended families have harbored their children. My son also was captured by this ideology. I have no idea how we get beyond this, it's just such a heartbreak. Everyone has ideas and plans for us.....it just causes me to stop talking about it with anyone who hasn't experienced it.
Thank you Gretchen, I’m so sorry your son is swept up in this nightmare too🫂. And yes it seems so easy for others untouched by this warped insane ideology to give us advice on how we *should be* moving fwd - like you I’m weary of advice from anyone who has no idea what we’re dealing with. And if our child is in their twenties it’s made even harder for others to understand/empathise with our complex grief, because they assume adults have full capacity to make responsible decisions - ignoring the fact our sons and daughters are often neurodiverse and have suffered years of being brainwashed/radicalised by ideological lies and activist propaganda💔
I’m so grateful to be part of this group, though tbh I’m still not familiar with how to use this app, I think somehow I’ve created 2 accounts, which makes it harder to keep up with replies 🙈😬🫣
💯 agree. My stomach churns with rage & despair thinking of every person who cheerleaded my mentally struggling son into a devastating oblivion, the betrayal feels more unbearable because my son’s father and even my own parents were complicit in validating my sons paranoia that I was an abusive “terf” mother who deserved to be erased.
I feel unable to move forward the grief of being treated worse than some heinous criminal has felt emotionally paralysing.
Thank you Rachel. As usual you have (unfortunately ) hit the nail on the head for some of us. There is something profoundly cruel about a situation in which no real repair is possible. We are encouraged as parents to grow and to become more aware of missteps and poor decisions.We are urged to practice mantras, breathe, journal, stay present, avoid rumination and move forward rather than backward. This is all thoughtful and necessary advice. And yet it also leaves us (me) waiting for the other side to do the same. They are no longer children. That is the part that feels so difficult to reconcile. In a culture - amplified by social media that often reward certainty and withdrawal, there little incentive for self reflection and mutual vulnerability. i love reading your columns. I admire your writing. It is so beautiful and right.But, it is painful to confront how limited our agency is in these situations. There are no clear treatment paradigms for this kind of rupture. Only endurance, self compassion and learning how to live with what cannot be fixed. I am a fan. But insight doesn’t translate into agency. Thankyou
Of late, I’m starting to notice that I am doing what they are doing. It’s like a parasite if that makes sense. I can’t be around people so I distance myself, then I am upset & disappointed by their lack of compassion. I lose even more, I think it’s depression from grief. It’s so very exhausting to tolerate the cruelty every single day
This resonates with me. After a dinner with my daughter during which I felt more connection with her than I had in years, she stopped responding to me and then sent me a printed note in the mail stating that she no longer wished to have contact with me. Some of the lines were “This is difficult to do but I feel the time is right to do it” and “I wish you peace and happiness in your future”. My other two children estranged as well at the same time. It has been seven years now without a word. I don’t know where they are, or what they are doing with their lives. It nearly killed me. And I’m sure they continue to feel completely justified. I loved my children with my entire soul but they are gone. I do not expect them to return.
I am sorry. The pain is present on so many levels. Estrangement makes you doubt reality and who you are. It causes fear because the unthinkable has happened. You question the meaning of your life spent caring for your most precious children. I ask myself did my daughter ever love me? How could I have missed all the clues?
I pray that God gives you and all estranged families comfort and peace despite this tragedy.
I'm so sorry Lynn, there are no words to describe the pain you are experiencing, there is no explanation that would give you clarity, no justification that would make sense. I do wish you peace, the kind that only God can give you. We'll hit 7 years in May, it is hard.
I’m so sorry Toni. I made a decision somewhere around 3 years in to go on with my life and find happiness no matter what my children did. For my sake and for theirs, this can’t destroy me.
Thank you. It nearly killed me. I decided to give them what they want. I’m going to live my life and I’m going to live it happily without them. I am very sorry they ended up being so completely selfish and hateful, and I wish them all health and happiness in their futures, which will not include me. I just redid my will and they will receive nothing. They are free and so am I.
Rachel, you nailed it once again! Three days ago, I got this exact sentence (script): “I love you and wish you well” from my daughter who decided to cut off her relationship with me, which had been solid for thirty years!
Your excellent commentary to the script: "On its surface, the phrase appears benevolent, even mature. In practice, it closed the door on dialogue, foreclosed the possibility of repair, and recast permanent separation as care. It allowed the sender to experience herself as loving, even as she enacted something else entirely."
FYI, my daughter is a therapist herself! We have a big societal and therapeutic problem, and I am grateful for your work to expose it. Thank you.
Sadly this is exposing the underbelly of therapist training. I am a retired psychotherapist and educator and supervisor. The change in my supervisees in my last years was shocking to me. It's like the kids were running the candy store. Schools were hungry for students and it seemed to become easier and easier to get in and 'become a therapist'. Many programs don't even require that a student has ever been in therapy. Now with advent of online therapy there is competition for clients and one has no idea what the training, education and experience is of these new therapists. I lost my son who had the help of a newly licensed online 27 year old therapist.
Gulp. I have similar situation. I was cut off by my eldest son, then my youngest took up psychology at College & wanted to become a counselor. He started seeing a trainee counselor at the college who wasn’t qualified & probably not much older that he was, but was “really nice”. Fast forward & within the year he’d cut both myself & my husband too 😶
Thank you for this thoughtful article. I have read about the Magdalene Laundries and visited the site of one when in Ireland.
It occurs to me that this type of behavior became more widespread during the spread of social media and the influencer marketing industry. Look carefully at these social media platforms. They are owned by people and countries that do not have a moral compass and may, in the case of TikTok, have a hidden agenda.
Younger therapists are sometimes tainted by their own failed family relationships. Many see themselves in their clients and prod them into thinking their parents are to blame.
There is also related data that younger generations have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and personality disorders. Perhaps intensified by decades of school violence, political uncertainty, and the pandemic.
It may be a moral failure of our society. It feels like it. But it has components that make this epidemic seem calculated.
As a victim of the worldwide estrangement epidemic, I have learned to focus on my own feelings and health. I accept that I can change nothing but myself.
To those new to this, there are no answers. Just theories and podcasts.
Sadly, the family was we knew it is gone. We grieve what was.
A point I would like to add is that the fundamental moral teaching of personal responsibility for your actions towards others has been completely abandoned in favor of alleged "self care". This, in an era of unprecedented loneliness, isolation, and suicide. Self care is best served in building a support network of others who mutually care for each other. The family takes a primary role in this.
This type of personal responsibility take effort, humility, and a generous sense of love and forgiveness towards others. But secular health care professions (both pharmaceutical and cognitive therapy) have a great financial stake on keeping people dependent on paid professional care.
The virtues of forgiveness, compassion, and the commandment to honor your father and mother are now ancient relics but are highly effective in pastoral counseling settings.
Abandoning simple life guidelines like the Ten Commandments has reaped massive pain and destruction on humanity. All because we no longer belive in good vs. evil. No longer even believe in something called sin.
Thank you, Fr. Paul. I wonder, have you considered there could be an element of the demonic in this rise of estrangements? (Please know I’m not trying to be a wise guy.)
Absolutely. Evil (demonic spirits) is involved in every act of sin. The bigger the sin, the bigger the evil spiritual influence. Yet I really see that people who are very weak, emotionally and spiritually, are easily missed “intellectually” by therapists and modern culture to protect themselves by rejecting others completely. Perhaps that is necessary in some cases (abusive and violent alcoholics for example) but in general the Father of Lies has plenty of cooperation from those acquaintancesand professionals who so quickly advise cutting off others despite their importance in your life as a natural family. (Used to say cutting off your nose despite your face).
It takes a very strong family unit of love, compassion, and forgiveness to make it through this crazy modern ultra-self interest culture.
Why the evil serpent avatar pic? Choose something else, please.
It is not just secular, but also the Christian and Catholic therapists and communities that encourage estrangement. "leave your father and mother" the "marriage sacrament is greater than the honor your father and mother commandment", "2 become 1", etc, all become used to justify estrangement. Different phrases, same outcomes. Be very aware of what you are saying, because it will be used to justify estrangement.
Yes - my conservative catholic family has been destroyed by a conservative Catholic therapist siding with my sister’s abusive husband, convincing her that marriage is the most important sacrament. Despite her & her children ans us living in terror. My sister completely lost touch with reality since seeing this Catholic therapist, who helped her husband psychologically and spiritually abuse her and the kids more.
I meant a strong multigenerational family, not a nuclear family or marriage against a parent. Such therapist are trying to serve two different masters which will not work out well for them in the long run.
Married couples need to be respectful of in-laws and likewise in-laws must respect the marriage. Estrangement has no place in it.
Father, it would be so helpful for more priests to hear about the cruelty of adult children estranging. I think our church has accidentally promoted this by extolling marriage and nuclear family at the expense of extended family and at the expense of safety (and recognizing coercion). I’m so tired of clapping at prolife conference for number of children a speaker has. We must get back to judging character. Great, the “prolife dad” has 6 kids — are his children allowed meaningful relationship with his wife’s family of origin? is his wife allowed to meaningfully maintain a relationship with her mother and sisters? Is his wife allowed to think and research independently? Vice versa for an abused husband — I see plenty of both sexes being coercively controlled in my conservative, Catholic homeschool community. We must help expose and root out the evil of coercively controlled marriages and unreasonable estrangement from family of origin. That would be standing up for the voiceless.
Roots, thank you for this insightful comment. What you observe in traditional Roman Catholic communities also applies to many conservative evangelical groups. Character doesn’t matter as long as you demonstrate you’re on the “right” side in the Culture Wars.
Rachel, Do you encounter adult children who experience contrition and regret for their moral certainty? I have held onto hope that with life experience, my adult child may mature in a way that includes compassion, forgiveness and tolerance. It seems though that these virtues are weaknesses in the world of individualism as moral certainty.
"You cannot negotiate intimacy with someone who has reclassified you as a cancer. You cannot repair a relationship from within a moral system that treats your humanity as the problem."
My POV is that this is a particularly virulent form or moral narcissism. Absolutely nothing works. And all attempts at therapy make it worse because of the "splitting" behavior that justifies everything as bad or inadequate.
Then, when the narcissist children confabulate wild stories that they sell to family and friends in order to further prop up their own superior false persona and demonize the isolated parent(s), all I can think of is the community betrayals in WWII Poland and Germany.
This sounds like my daughter 😢 I can find no other explanation for her cruelty, nor her steadfast certainty that she is a victim. Again, there is nothing I can say or do and little hope that her mind is not set and her heart not hardened. It is what it is and I must accept it.
Deep gratitude for putting into words what is happening to so many parents of my generation—parents who have spent years trying to understand what could possibly be going on in the minds of our once-loving, now-estranged adult children. Year after year, we continue trying, only to receive similar responses to the ones you describe.
Your explanation brings much-needed clarity as to how some adult children are able to justify their actions—not only toward their parent(s), but also toward innocent grandchildren who were once an integral part of their lives from birth. Children who were deeply loved and adored by their grandparents, only to be suddenly and completely cut off from them.
Of all your thoughtful commentaries, this one truly opened my eyes. And, has helped me better understand what the internal thought process might be that allows an adult child to validate what they are doing—and why. Thank you for working so hard on helping sift through this highly complex issue! 🙏🥰
Thank you so much Rachel for describing, yet again, the impossible situation of us loving, erring and human parents live as our adult children (and their spouses) erase us. Your words help me (us) integrate…
“You cannot negotiate intimacy with someone who has reclassified you as a cancer. You cannot repair a relationship from within a moral system that treats your humanity as the problem.”
…what an excruciating feeling to be so powerless as I lose my child. Your words support ME. Thank you for that.
Great entry. I have so many people tell me to restrict contact with my mom just because she is old and struggling. The reasonable observation that I can’t rescue her is somehow extended to I should not be there for her. I would never ever abandon my mom. You would think friends would be supportive when my mom had been there for me through terrible times. But no - if parents are inconvenient they are disposable. I’m disgusted. I no longer see a therapist ! I take care of my own mental health and my family the more old fashioned way - by working hard and trying to be responsible.
Yes. We need more estranged “adult” children to understand this.
I'm so glad to read this, Good for you. And good for the world, for you being willing to do so.
I am shocked and sad that people would suggest that you restrict contact with your old and struggling mother. Yes relationships and people can be hard work, inconvenient and emotional. But we must also be able to live with ourselves. I hope that you can be a positive influence on your misguided friends. It makes me sad for their families.
I like the point and distinction you make re: not being able to “rescue her” (your Mom) from the fact that that does NOT mean you “should not be there for her.”
I recently had to act in such a way with my own mother who I have had to set very firm boundaries with due to her long-time negative and hurtful behaviors, betrayals, choices & actions against me. However, when my sister, my mother’s youngest child (who had been severely disabled for decades), had to be placed on Hospice Care and subsequently passed away, I temporarily put my differences with my mother aside so as to support her in her time of loss & grief—as well as focus on my sister and her passing. This created a very traumatic and stressful 6-week period of time for me, but I knew this was the right thing to do, and I did it.
Contrast my actions to those of my three estranged middle-aged adult children who—to this day (two months later)—have never offered me even a hug or one word of support or condolence for the pain and suffering I was experiencing at the end of my “Baby Sister’s” life—my first sibling to die [also, to this day, I have never been told what horrid crimes I am guilty of which warranted their need & desire to cut me out of their lives (and of my grandchildrens’) and be thrown away like a piece of trash]. Instead I received silence, and demands (via texts) about how I was to behave around them and their children at my own sister’s funeral. Yet they had the audacity to say to me they were attending the funeral to “support the family”—which obviously did not include me!
….posted prematurely on it’s own…
I ask myself: “Who are these people?” Certainly not the children I birthed, raised, or once knew. Yet, they go about their lives, having zero communication with me, demonstrating zero care or concern for me—let alone “love,” taking zero responsibility for their abusive behaviors towards me, re-writing history, creating a false persona and narrative about me, making me out to be the “villian” and “problem” in their lives. The worst part is the lies being told to my grandchildren about me; the modeling of such toxic, hypocritical and amoral behavior for my grandchildren; the denial of me & my grandchildren from having a loving relationship with each other; and the perpetuation of generational abuse & trauma.
They support each other in their delusions and have their actions “rubber-stamped” by their “therapists” and other enablers in their lives. SO, SO SICK!
That is indeed sick. Liberal and therapy culture support this.
Sending you love. I have no idea what is wrong with these adults who cut their parents off.
I suppose these types of endings are only possible because no one speaks them in person. It’s much easier to compose that succinct, injurious message when you don’t have to experience a persons anguish or answer their questions. The lack of reciprocity in this digital age is so sad and not human.
Those who have estranged from their parents and family shd be held responsible for the great harm they have caused. Will that ever be possible?
Because I love my son to the moon and back I worry that someday he will have to live with the regret of causing such heartache. Folks tell me that isn’t ‘my problem’ but I’m a mom and these are the things that cause me pain. I have no idea how he can stay in the place he has landed or why he continues to stay there, alone and away from all the family that adored him. I wish I had been so adored by my mother, but even while I wasn’t I became her champion and protector as she fell into dementia. Who will be there for us, my husband and I at 70 and 75??
It’s very hard
I don’t blame this on my daughter as much as I do the people/culture
(therapists/friends) of hers exploiting her vulnerabilities.
Isn't it just so difficult to know who to be mad at!! I adore my son and I would rather be angry at anyone but him, but at the end of the day it is he who has walked away from us. I do notice that those who can sustain being angry seem to fare better than those of us who are heartbroken.
💯 agree. My stomach churns with rage & despair thinking of every person who cheer-leaded my obviously mentally struggling “brainwashed” son into a devastating oblivion, the betrayal feels more unbearable because my ex (my son’s father) and even my own parents were complicit in validating my sons paranoia that I was an abusive “terf” mother who deserved to be completely erased from his life (despite they wilfully refused to become informed of the genuine issues).
I feel unable to move forward the grief of being treated worse than some heinous criminal has felt emotionally paralysing. I will love my once-caring son til my last breath, though to him I’ve been dead for several years. Our sons & daughters have been preyed on by those peddling or cheerleading this evil ideology, and many (inc my son), have been grievously harmed by medical”transition” while estranged💔.
I feel you Haley and have known others whose extended families have harbored their children. My son also was captured by this ideology. I have no idea how we get beyond this, it's just such a heartbreak. Everyone has ideas and plans for us.....it just causes me to stop talking about it with anyone who hasn't experienced it.
Thank you Gretchen, I’m so sorry your son is swept up in this nightmare too🫂. And yes it seems so easy for others untouched by this warped insane ideology to give us advice on how we *should be* moving fwd - like you I’m weary of advice from anyone who has no idea what we’re dealing with. And if our child is in their twenties it’s made even harder for others to understand/empathise with our complex grief, because they assume adults have full capacity to make responsible decisions - ignoring the fact our sons and daughters are often neurodiverse and have suffered years of being brainwashed/radicalised by ideological lies and activist propaganda💔
I’m so grateful to be part of this group, though tbh I’m still not familiar with how to use this app, I think somehow I’ve created 2 accounts, which makes it harder to keep up with replies 🙈😬🫣
My son will soon be 38😥. It is crazy heartbreaking and sad.
💔🙏
💯 agree. My stomach churns with rage & despair thinking of every person who cheerleaded my mentally struggling son into a devastating oblivion, the betrayal feels more unbearable because my son’s father and even my own parents were complicit in validating my sons paranoia that I was an abusive “terf” mother who deserved to be erased.
I feel unable to move forward the grief of being treated worse than some heinous criminal has felt emotionally paralysing.
Thank you Rachel. As usual you have (unfortunately ) hit the nail on the head for some of us. There is something profoundly cruel about a situation in which no real repair is possible. We are encouraged as parents to grow and to become more aware of missteps and poor decisions.We are urged to practice mantras, breathe, journal, stay present, avoid rumination and move forward rather than backward. This is all thoughtful and necessary advice. And yet it also leaves us (me) waiting for the other side to do the same. They are no longer children. That is the part that feels so difficult to reconcile. In a culture - amplified by social media that often reward certainty and withdrawal, there little incentive for self reflection and mutual vulnerability. i love reading your columns. I admire your writing. It is so beautiful and right.But, it is painful to confront how limited our agency is in these situations. There are no clear treatment paradigms for this kind of rupture. Only endurance, self compassion and learning how to live with what cannot be fixed. I am a fan. But insight doesn’t translate into agency. Thankyou
Of late, I’m starting to notice that I am doing what they are doing. It’s like a parasite if that makes sense. I can’t be around people so I distance myself, then I am upset & disappointed by their lack of compassion. I lose even more, I think it’s depression from grief. It’s so very exhausting to tolerate the cruelty every single day
So eloquently stated!! I fully relate to this.
Right on.
This resonates with me. After a dinner with my daughter during which I felt more connection with her than I had in years, she stopped responding to me and then sent me a printed note in the mail stating that she no longer wished to have contact with me. Some of the lines were “This is difficult to do but I feel the time is right to do it” and “I wish you peace and happiness in your future”. My other two children estranged as well at the same time. It has been seven years now without a word. I don’t know where they are, or what they are doing with their lives. It nearly killed me. And I’m sure they continue to feel completely justified. I loved my children with my entire soul but they are gone. I do not expect them to return.
I am sorry. The pain is present on so many levels. Estrangement makes you doubt reality and who you are. It causes fear because the unthinkable has happened. You question the meaning of your life spent caring for your most precious children. I ask myself did my daughter ever love me? How could I have missed all the clues?
I pray that God gives you and all estranged families comfort and peace despite this tragedy.
I'm so sorry Lynn, there are no words to describe the pain you are experiencing, there is no explanation that would give you clarity, no justification that would make sense. I do wish you peace, the kind that only God can give you. We'll hit 7 years in May, it is hard.
I’m so sorry Toni. I made a decision somewhere around 3 years in to go on with my life and find happiness no matter what my children did. For my sake and for theirs, this can’t destroy me.
I'm sure that decision was hard but so necessary. We have been working on doing the same thing. Take care of yourself!
I am so very sorry, Lynn
Thank you.
I am so very sorry for your hurt and pain.
I am so sorry. 🫶
I am so sorry to read that Lynn. Horrifying.
Thank you. It nearly killed me. I decided to give them what they want. I’m going to live my life and I’m going to live it happily without them. I am very sorry they ended up being so completely selfish and hateful, and I wish them all health and happiness in their futures, which will not include me. I just redid my will and they will receive nothing. They are free and so am I.
I understand how it nearly killed you.
Rachel, you nailed it once again! Three days ago, I got this exact sentence (script): “I love you and wish you well” from my daughter who decided to cut off her relationship with me, which had been solid for thirty years!
Your excellent commentary to the script: "On its surface, the phrase appears benevolent, even mature. In practice, it closed the door on dialogue, foreclosed the possibility of repair, and recast permanent separation as care. It allowed the sender to experience herself as loving, even as she enacted something else entirely."
FYI, my daughter is a therapist herself! We have a big societal and therapeutic problem, and I am grateful for your work to expose it. Thank you.
Sadly this is exposing the underbelly of therapist training. I am a retired psychotherapist and educator and supervisor. The change in my supervisees in my last years was shocking to me. It's like the kids were running the candy store. Schools were hungry for students and it seemed to become easier and easier to get in and 'become a therapist'. Many programs don't even require that a student has ever been in therapy. Now with advent of online therapy there is competition for clients and one has no idea what the training, education and experience is of these new therapists. I lost my son who had the help of a newly licensed online 27 year old therapist.
Gulp. I have similar situation. I was cut off by my eldest son, then my youngest took up psychology at College & wanted to become a counselor. He started seeing a trainee counselor at the college who wasn’t qualified & probably not much older that he was, but was “really nice”. Fast forward & within the year he’d cut both myself & my husband too 😶
Thank you for this thoughtful article. I have read about the Magdalene Laundries and visited the site of one when in Ireland.
It occurs to me that this type of behavior became more widespread during the spread of social media and the influencer marketing industry. Look carefully at these social media platforms. They are owned by people and countries that do not have a moral compass and may, in the case of TikTok, have a hidden agenda.
Younger therapists are sometimes tainted by their own failed family relationships. Many see themselves in their clients and prod them into thinking their parents are to blame.
There is also related data that younger generations have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and personality disorders. Perhaps intensified by decades of school violence, political uncertainty, and the pandemic.
It may be a moral failure of our society. It feels like it. But it has components that make this epidemic seem calculated.
As a victim of the worldwide estrangement epidemic, I have learned to focus on my own feelings and health. I accept that I can change nothing but myself.
To those new to this, there are no answers. Just theories and podcasts.
Sadly, the family was we knew it is gone. We grieve what was.
Hi Rachel. Excellent post.
A point I would like to add is that the fundamental moral teaching of personal responsibility for your actions towards others has been completely abandoned in favor of alleged "self care". This, in an era of unprecedented loneliness, isolation, and suicide. Self care is best served in building a support network of others who mutually care for each other. The family takes a primary role in this.
This type of personal responsibility take effort, humility, and a generous sense of love and forgiveness towards others. But secular health care professions (both pharmaceutical and cognitive therapy) have a great financial stake on keeping people dependent on paid professional care.
The virtues of forgiveness, compassion, and the commandment to honor your father and mother are now ancient relics but are highly effective in pastoral counseling settings.
Abandoning simple life guidelines like the Ten Commandments has reaped massive pain and destruction on humanity. All because we no longer belive in good vs. evil. No longer even believe in something called sin.
You might enjoy my previous homily, posted below.
Thank you for your excellent work.
Peace and Blessings to you and yours!
✨️🕊🙏🎊✨️
https://revfrpaul.substack.com/p/be-there-no-divisions-among-you
Thank you, Fr. Paul. I wonder, have you considered there could be an element of the demonic in this rise of estrangements? (Please know I’m not trying to be a wise guy.)
Absolutely. Evil (demonic spirits) is involved in every act of sin. The bigger the sin, the bigger the evil spiritual influence. Yet I really see that people who are very weak, emotionally and spiritually, are easily missed “intellectually” by therapists and modern culture to protect themselves by rejecting others completely. Perhaps that is necessary in some cases (abusive and violent alcoholics for example) but in general the Father of Lies has plenty of cooperation from those acquaintancesand professionals who so quickly advise cutting off others despite their importance in your life as a natural family. (Used to say cutting off your nose despite your face).
It takes a very strong family unit of love, compassion, and forgiveness to make it through this crazy modern ultra-self interest culture.
Why the evil serpent avatar pic? Choose something else, please.
It is not just secular, but also the Christian and Catholic therapists and communities that encourage estrangement. "leave your father and mother" the "marriage sacrament is greater than the honor your father and mother commandment", "2 become 1", etc, all become used to justify estrangement. Different phrases, same outcomes. Be very aware of what you are saying, because it will be used to justify estrangement.
Yes - my conservative catholic family has been destroyed by a conservative Catholic therapist siding with my sister’s abusive husband, convincing her that marriage is the most important sacrament. Despite her & her children ans us living in terror. My sister completely lost touch with reality since seeing this Catholic therapist, who helped her husband psychologically and spiritually abuse her and the kids more.
I meant a strong multigenerational family, not a nuclear family or marriage against a parent. Such therapist are trying to serve two different masters which will not work out well for them in the long run.
Married couples need to be respectful of in-laws and likewise in-laws must respect the marriage. Estrangement has no place in it.
Oh, no, not evil serpent ... though I guess it does kind of look like one.
Father, it would be so helpful for more priests to hear about the cruelty of adult children estranging. I think our church has accidentally promoted this by extolling marriage and nuclear family at the expense of extended family and at the expense of safety (and recognizing coercion). I’m so tired of clapping at prolife conference for number of children a speaker has. We must get back to judging character. Great, the “prolife dad” has 6 kids — are his children allowed meaningful relationship with his wife’s family of origin? is his wife allowed to meaningfully maintain a relationship with her mother and sisters? Is his wife allowed to think and research independently? Vice versa for an abused husband — I see plenty of both sexes being coercively controlled in my conservative, Catholic homeschool community. We must help expose and root out the evil of coercively controlled marriages and unreasonable estrangement from family of origin. That would be standing up for the voiceless.
Roots, thank you for this insightful comment. What you observe in traditional Roman Catholic communities also applies to many conservative evangelical groups. Character doesn’t matter as long as you demonstrate you’re on the “right” side in the Culture Wars.
Rachel, Do you encounter adult children who experience contrition and regret for their moral certainty? I have held onto hope that with life experience, my adult child may mature in a way that includes compassion, forgiveness and tolerance. It seems though that these virtues are weaknesses in the world of individualism as moral certainty.
"You cannot negotiate intimacy with someone who has reclassified you as a cancer. You cannot repair a relationship from within a moral system that treats your humanity as the problem."
My POV is that this is a particularly virulent form or moral narcissism. Absolutely nothing works. And all attempts at therapy make it worse because of the "splitting" behavior that justifies everything as bad or inadequate.
Then, when the narcissist children confabulate wild stories that they sell to family and friends in order to further prop up their own superior false persona and demonize the isolated parent(s), all I can think of is the community betrayals in WWII Poland and Germany.
They’re drunk on, intoxicated by, self righteousness.
Difficult to read Rachel and resonates deeply
This sounds like my daughter 😢 I can find no other explanation for her cruelty, nor her steadfast certainty that she is a victim. Again, there is nothing I can say or do and little hope that her mind is not set and her heart not hardened. It is what it is and I must accept it.
Deep gratitude for putting into words what is happening to so many parents of my generation—parents who have spent years trying to understand what could possibly be going on in the minds of our once-loving, now-estranged adult children. Year after year, we continue trying, only to receive similar responses to the ones you describe.
Your explanation brings much-needed clarity as to how some adult children are able to justify their actions—not only toward their parent(s), but also toward innocent grandchildren who were once an integral part of their lives from birth. Children who were deeply loved and adored by their grandparents, only to be suddenly and completely cut off from them.
Of all your thoughtful commentaries, this one truly opened my eyes. And, has helped me better understand what the internal thought process might be that allows an adult child to validate what they are doing—and why. Thank you for working so hard on helping sift through this highly complex issue! 🙏🥰
You never ceased to amaze with your written prowess on this subject!
Thank you so much Rachel for describing, yet again, the impossible situation of us loving, erring and human parents live as our adult children (and their spouses) erase us. Your words help me (us) integrate…
“You cannot negotiate intimacy with someone who has reclassified you as a cancer. You cannot repair a relationship from within a moral system that treats your humanity as the problem.”
…what an excruciating feeling to be so powerless as I lose my child. Your words support ME. Thank you for that.
I feel the same.
I can’t thank you enough for speaking out so articulately and helpfully about this. It is vital🙏🙏🙏
What a well written, heartbreaking, and at times validating piece. Thank
you for this!